Bloody hell that’s not easy to say, is it? Go on, say it five times fast. I’ll know which of you have tried….
Anyway. I have a very important medical appointment tomorrow and I have reached the stage of preparation where I am starting to panic. I’ve got everything ready. I’ve written a few lists, and I’ve sorted what I need to take with me, have even prepacked my handbag so I don’t have to stress in the morning (it’s an early one, feel my pain). So now the stress has kicked in.
Thing is, I need this appointment to go well. I need something to come out of it. I need it to be a productive, successful, wonderful meeting. And there’s never any assurance that it will. Especially not when you’re chronically ill, when it’s a new team, and when it’s first thing in the morning. See where the stress is coming from now?
As I’ve mentioned my health recently has radically gone downhill. No one so far seems to know why, and aside from a minor drop in my vitamin D, all things have come back clear. Which, when you are in agony, is a horribly weird thing, as obviously there is the relief that nothing serious is showing up, but leaves you with the “well what the hell is going on then?” thought, which in itself is full of anxiety, stress, worry and downright terror, when you’ve gone through years of chronic health, and then have a massive change.
When I first became ill I was bedbound, and there is always a background worry whenever I have a flare of symptoms that I will end up back like that. What normally happens with a flare, is that within a few days, maybe a few weeks if really bad, I’m back to my level of normal, and I roll my eyes at my earlier panicking. This cycle of course repeats itself on a regular basis. But that’s fine, because it’s the Normal Cycle Of Things.
My recent deterioration has not stuck to this cycle, and so the stress levels are beyond the levels I can describe. Working on the doses of painkillers I’m on, and still being in this amount of pain, having all of our lives damaged, by something that doesn’t stick to Normal Cycle Of Things, is terrifying. The possibility that this change might be permanent will not leave my mind, and my day to day observations of myself are doing nothing to help that.
Sadly – ironically – my normal coping mechanism of crafting the hell out of any and every available yarn to deal with panic is being prevented by the very thing I’m preventing about. I’m still managing a little, but nowhere near as much as I would like, and need. Today has mostly been about being snuggled with cushions and blankets and joint supports, resting as much as possible. Lots of that brainless scrolling through facebook and online shopping browsing that involves very little physical or mental energy.
But nothing is taking away my terror of coming out of tomorrows appointment with no way forward, and no possibility of change. This a situation spoonies find themselves in regularly and and I know that anyone with a chronic health condition who reads this will understand. I cannot comprehend life staying how it is at the moment, as it simply is not really living. It is a barely functional existence. I’ve got through a period of health like this before, and I honestly do not know how to manage the possibility of it not changing soon.