It’s all a bit crap

There we go. That’s almost a post all alone. But frankly all things in life right now are a bit crap.

This isn’t a woe is me post. It’s a “hey, everything is shit for you right now? You’re not alone” post. 

So often, as chronically ill and disabled people, you hear good old lines like “isn’t it nice to see people like you out and about”, or “cheer up it might never happen!”, or “give us a smile love”. We’ll dismantle the patriarchy in another post but for now let’s just pretend that final one isn’t almost certainly coming from a middle aged man. 

It is not my duty to be okay. I owe you, as a stranger, nothing. Not my time, not my glance, and certainly not my energy. How dare you assume you should get it? Because hell knows I’ve worked to make sure I value myself above you, above what others see of me. How very dare you attempt to dismantle that work. 

Because when you ask me to be okay, you’re asking not because you care about me, but because it makes you more comfortable.  

Because disability is still scary and weird and making you squirm. 

So if I’m an “okay” disabled person, there’s nothing to worry about, is there? 

But you know  what? It’s all a bit shit. I’m in agony, I’m fatigued, I fell asleep sitting upright earlier I was so tired, my brain is foggy and I’m confused yet I’m too anxious and traumatized to sleep. 

So to those of you who are not okay right now: neither am I. You are not alone. I love you. 

To those of you who would like me to smile from my wheelchair for you: kindly go forth and multiply. 

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